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Archive for February, 2010

Up and Away

Somebody stop this ride called life – I want to get off – it is moving far too fast for me…

My sweet Baby Magoo is in his 5th week of life. He’s growing leaps and bounds – giving us smiles and coos – turning his head so he can see and hear his big brother playing…how is he growing up so quick?? Since he came home, he has loved to fall asleep on us and be held while sleeping. Even while typing this, he is warmly snuggled into the crook of my arm, happily and peacefully snoozing away…but I realize that things have to change. I so badly and selfishly want to hold onto his newborn life – but I know I sadly must let it slip away from me – let him grow away from me. Probably the hardest part of being a parent.

I’ve been recognizing he is ready and know he needs to learn to get to sleep on his own…nursing to sleep is fine if he wants to do that, but the constant fighting of sleep needs to stop…he has to learn to soothe himself now when he is tired. Last night I tried to start the establishment of a bedtime routine…not much, but instead of going to bed with us at 9/10pm and sleeping on me the entire evening while I vedge out on the couch – I realized it was time to introduce his bassinet…a quiet place – the bedroom, for bedtime.

I brought him upstairs around 6:30pm – the beginning of his evening fussies…he was clearly tired, letting out big yawns – I swayed with him, patted his back and rubbed his back…and finally nursed him…after some fussiness and more rocking and swaying, he finally nursed to sleep…while I cried. He’s growing up.

I slowly placed him in his bassinet, while the white noise played softly and a shirt of mine was tucked into the end of the bassinet…and then quietly crept out of the room. No more evening cuddles. Thirty minutes later he was crying…I let him fuss and cry a bit and ran to him, scooping him up and cuddling. Oh…mommy. *sigh*

Of course he totally fought sleep after that…and was up for over an hour…and ended up on Mr. Magoo, sleeping on him while we vedged out on the couch. Sadly I need to let him cry a bit longer – he has to learn…my sweet baby has to grow up little by little each day…I already miss his newness.

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Wish List

I have been thinking alot lately about things I would like to buy for myself.

Not that I ever do – or have the money to do so…but it’s just nice to think about…

1. New clothes, I’d love to have a pair of nice jeans. I got a great pair last year, I forget the designer name…but they were not tight, had a wide type of leg – right up my ally, comfy, made my butt look great and just awesome all around…I wore them so much last year, I wore a hole right in the knee *sigh* probably because they were the only pair of jeans I had that fit me.

2. New lenses for my camera…a macro lens would be pretty cool along with a portrait lens and hood…an external flash would be nice too.

3. A new diaper bag. Mind you I really have no need for one or even money for an expensive one, which is what I want, but I want some girliness back in my life – living with 3 boys, I have none of that and have seemed to totally forgotten my feminine side. Pretty please, can I get it?

4. Garnet – January’s birthstone for Baby Magoo – I’d like it to add to my necklace I got for Little Magoo…but I am not sure how it would look with aquamarine…

5.  A bracelet with my children’s names and birth dates on it.

6. Sleep. Like one day off would be nice too.

It’s funny, I have all these little things I’d like to get for myself – yet ultimately even if I had the money to buy these things, I’d end up buying things for my babies. It never fails.

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The Good:

Baby Magoo is one month old today – how the heck did that happen??

Little Magoo is currently busy emptying my laundry basket full of clean, unfolded laundry…

Mr. Magoo got a full un-interrupted night’s sleep.

I have coffee.

The Bad:

Baby Magoo was wide awake for 5.5 hours last night – he was yawning and fussy and tired and just fighting sleep, I tried everything in my power to get him to sleep – my breasts were drained from him nursing and nursing and nursing. Finally at 11:30pm I got him to sleep…on the couch…and there I stayed the rest of the night for fear of moving him and waking him up. It was an exhausting and frustrating 5.5 hours.

The Ugly:

Me. I’m a mess this morning.

Oh, and I just got spit up on. On my freshly laundered bathrobe. *sigh*

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1. I left Baby Magoo sleeping in the bassinet in our room. I heard him cry a little bit…and have heard little grunts while downstairs with Little Magoo…but otherwise not a peep….and I have no monitor in the room. I have no clue what he is doing up there, but if he’s not crying hysterically, he must be OK…hopefully he doesn’t have spit-up all over him.

2. Little Magoo was just peeking over the top of my laptop – it was adorable.

3. As difficult as the newborn phase is, I’m not entirely sure I am done having children. I wish Mr. Magoo and I were younger and has had more money – I think I’d have more…but with Mr. Magoo approaching 40 and me approaching 35…this may be it. We discussed it the other day and at least want to wait 2 years before even entertaining the idea of another…but the door isn’t entirely closed on the subject…we’d just have a limited time to pop another out after 2 years…makes me a bit sad to think Baby Magoo might be the last baby. God knows what is best for us in the end though.

4. The sun glistening off the snow is beautiful this morning.

5. Baby Magoo was so frustrating last night – wide awake from 2:00am-3:30am. I had it with trying to get him back to sleep. He didn’t want to nurse, didn’t want to be rocked – I had gotten all his gas out. I finally laid down with Baby Magoo between Mr. Magoo and I…although he was closer to Mr. Magoo. He started to close his eyes and literally started rolling/inching his body towards me. My frustration melted and I pulled him towards me…he settled in and fell peacefully asleep.

6. I love my children.

7. Mr. Magoo and I need a date night…I miss interacting with him on a 1 on 1 basis.

8. I’m really looking forward to spring a fresh air.

9. I think I’ll get out of the house tomorrow…or at least try.

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The Artful Life

A friend recently introduced me to this blog: Enjoying the Small Things It is a really beautiful blog – I’m insanely jealous of her beautiful life and photography skills. The blogger recently made a post about seeing the art in daily life – like the “art” in a cup of coffee, life as art. It gave me some food for thought as I drift through the snow baron, cold season of New England. These words made me want to take photos again…although difficult with a toddler and a newborn around to photograph daily life.

Another encounter that made me want to pick up my camera again was over this past weekend. Mr. Magoo and I had a family friend, who is a professional photographer of over 25 years, come and take family photos for us…I quickly ran and showed her some photos I had taken since being in her photography class – she was very pleased and gave me some constructive criticism, which I welcomed and also told me that I have “a great eye” in terms of photography. Talk about an ego boost. Can I fit my head through the door now? She also told me to grab my camera as she snapped photos of my sons and to snap pictures along with her…intimidated much? Um, yes, I would have to say that I was…but after, it inspired me to grab my camera more…especially now, feeling down and wondering about possible looming postpartum depression – why not photograph these little moments that would quickly pass by – no matter how in the trenches I am…that’s the raw, real part of life, right? Being in the trenches, that is.

The other day I snapped some photos – most of these certainly are not my best photos…most blurry or not even technically correct, but that’s life for you…a little blurry and never technically correct:

Completely sleep deprived in a cruddy shirt and a total mess.

Hating the camera.

Total bliss of childhood.

I love Little Magoo.

Intently checking out Baby Magoo’s toys. Now…this picture…ugh, this picture brought me right back to last year…

My sweet baby.

Anyways…I hope that perhaps by picking up my camera again, doing something for ME and something that I love…that hopefully it will lift me out of this funk…life as art….life is art.

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The Beast.

Hello old friend, I have not missed you one bit.

The exhaustion is getting to me, finally…mentally and physically I am totally spent. Last night I spent 2 1/2 hours trying to get my precious bundle of joy to sleep. Yes, he apparently has the same affliction Little Magoo had in terms of fighting sleep….nursing, rocking, soothing, shushing, bouncing, burping, repeat…praying – please go to sleep. 1:45am rolled around and finally he slept.

If I’m not awake at night trying to get Baby Magoo back to sleep, I’m up listening to his gutteral grunting and groaning while he sleeps.

Last night I found myself thinking of punching myself repeatedly in the head and thinking of harmful things towards Baby Magoo. I know I never would do either…but the thoughts are a bit frightening. Thank goodness I have encountered this beast before. This time she has me not eating too well to boot or skipping meals.

Thank goodness I am recognizing the signs…thank goodness I have known when I feel overwhelmed this time and just take a step back and thanks goodness I don’t feel like I am going crazy like I did after Little Magoo was born or want to just sit and cry my eyes out…but this beast…oh she is a bitch…and her friend exhaustion is oh so cruel as well.

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Love.

In honor of Valentine’s Day – let’s talk about,

Baby!

What are some things you love?

Here are the things I love, in no particular order:

I love, love

My sons

Mr. Magoo

My parents and brothers and sisters and all of my family

Dearly departed Daisy, my beloved beagle as a kid – I still miss her to this day

Coffee. God, how I love coffee…in my pink Starbucks mug that says “amore.” on it and the handle is shaped like a heart – nothing better.

I love when I take photos and they come out just as I envisioned them or…or….even more amazing than I thought. I get a rush from that. I walk around on cloud nine the rest of the day – it’s like a drug.

The smell of a new baby

Toddler hugs and kisses

Spring – I love the anticipation of every thing blooming, right on the verge of everything popping – then POW! All the trees have flowers and green is everywhere…gorgeous.

Christmas. Love that holiday…

Sleep

Creativity

Poetry

Food – God, I love to eat…I’ll try anything once, I’m not picky at all.

Little Magoo’s laugh – nothing sweeter

Nature – I love to be outside…in the woods…it clears my mind, clears my soul…makes me feel whole again.

The Ocean/beach

Summer ice cream

Hot showers

Soft baby hair and curls

Having my head rubbed/my hair played with

Shopping

Funny movies

Strawberries

Toys – like as in kids toys…I still love the toys my parents kept of mine and are now letting Little Magoo play with…like my Woodsies – anyone remember those or am I just really old?

Pajamas

Writing

My friends

My blog readers

….I think I could go on and on…there are so many things to love and be thankful for in life…

Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤

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