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Archive for May, 2009

I seriously wonder sometimes. Finally, I feel free after purging some things in my life…it feels good, very good, to let go of negative things that surround me – keep me from what really is important, my family. Toxicity is rancid.

I was driving to a friends house today for a little visit and on the way there my mind began to wander and quickly the words started forming in my mind…the words of a poem. Something I literally have not done in years…think about my poetry, that is.

I had struck up a conversation with another friend earlier in the day about body changes and pregnancy and I explained how it took me a full year to accept that my body had changed. Anyways, the conversation was on my mind and I began to think about how I embraced it and started a poem off in my head.

It felt good to do that – poetry has always been one of my passions and I really need to get back to it. It really all started in third grade when we had to make our own books…I made a poetry book. Then in high school when my great-grandmother passed away at 103 (God bless her!), my family discovered a book of poems that my great-grandfather had written…I swear the poetry was so good it should have been published. It amazed me.

It was quite refreshing to have those thoughts pour through my mind once again.

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Today Mr. Magoo and I began a new chapter in life – embarking on our fourth year of marriage! Being married for three years has been such a whirlwind – we bought a house, got married, I moved in, we traveled to Italy and Ireland, expected and gave birth to our first child, made it through the first year of being parents and I accomplished and finished nursing for a little over a year…then last week, the day after I stopped nursing Little Magoo I took a pregnancy test…and it was positive.

Onto Baby Magoo #2!

We were shocked and delighted and cannot wait for our family to expand. Hopefully all will go well and God will bless us again, as it is still very early.

Happy Anniversary, my Love…

I love watching our love grow in so many ways.

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Validation

It is funny how you think your life is going in one direction, when it suddenly veers off the path. Going off the beaten path isn’t such a bad thing and I suppose the Lord has a plan for everything. I seem to lose Faith an awful lot – not in God, but more so in myself, my abilities – I never give myself enough credit and am always judging myself based on what others seem to think of me…at least sometimes.

My parents were up for a little visit yesterday and I happened to tell them something about my life’s endeavors….”Oh, well good luck with that.” Now, I am not saying that they are not supportive in what I do with my life, they always have been…but it made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing, that I was inept and somewhat not capable of fulfilling what I needed to do with my life…then began the thoughts of “What if I can’t…” and in came the doubt.

Those two little words cut more than anything “I can’t…” So sad. I know that “I can.” But for some reason feel the need to be validated – I really need to knock that off. Some of my friends have been extremely supportive. Others not so much – but I really don’t know why I even care. I guess we all yearn to be validated at some level.

I am standing on the verge of something big and I couldn’t be happier. I’m going with the happiness.

No one can deter me from that – not even a dark abyss.

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Super Freak

I know Mr. Magoo already thinks I am a freak…I’m just out right strange when it comes to all of my quirks bundled together. I won’t go into all the details here about my different quirks, because I think it would go on far too long.

However, one thing that is just really strange – is that when I hold my son, I sniff him. Like a long deep breath of smelling a flower…I sniff his head and his neck and behind his ears. Talk about primal instincts. Talk about weird. But it is like when I smell a lilac or a rose – I seriously want to drink it all its intoxicating deliciousness and stay there for hours while my brain swirls with endorphines. I really cannot get enough of it.

His scent fills me with such happiness, I cannot even explain it – I try to take it all in now, while he is at an age where he doesn’t know what I am doing. Meanwhile, my husband looks at me like I am crazy cave-woman.

I’ve noticed too, that our home is starting to smell like a child lives here. You know the smell I am talking about – not the poopie gross diaper smell, but that sweet-strange smell or a child. Yup, our home smells like that now. It’s a good smell, I like it, it’s calming.

Yup, I’m a freak.

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Last night when Mr. Magoo and I finally went to bed, we lay there talking about random things as we usually do and I don’t even know how we got onto the topic, but we started to discuss Little Magoo and his growing up.

“That is why I don’t want to finish the basement. I don’t want him down there with any girls when he gets older.”

Mr. Magoo laughed, “You are so strange! Your mind is so weird! Out of all the things to worry about, you bring that up as a reason for never wanting to finish the basement.”

Yes, this is how I think – how my twisted mind finds some logic in the world. I guess if you knew me really well, you’d realize you would have to dissect what I am REALLY saying or rather, thinking. Not to say that Mr. Magoo doesn’t know me like that, but eh, he’s a guy.

It isn’t so much that I would never want to finish our basement, but rather as my grandfather would put it: “I want to hear feet stomping, hands clapping and mouth whistling.”

This day and age you have to watch your kids so much, but leave them the freedom to roam – just not in my house, in my basement…or Little Magoo’s bedroom…it’s sad that I have started to think about all this when he is only 13 months. However, I always jump ahead to the future in my mind.

Kids are like a wet bar of soap, hold them too tight and   pop out of your grasp…hold them too loosely and you will drop them. A delicate balance weighs in the hands of every parent.

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Crib Wrecker

Little Magoo has always had a fixation with biting things, especially if he was teething or frustrated…or well, if it was just there for the biting. About 3 months ago, I went to his room to get him up from a nap and there he was standing in his crib with white paint on his mouth, from chewing up the crib rail. Not a thing I liked to see, since the paint worried me. Quickly I came up with a solution with a piece of fabric.

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Let’s just say he was not happy one bit.

I really needed to come up with something better, so I borrowed my mother’s sewing machine and got to work on making a quilted rail cover.

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I ended up making the covers for all four sides, seeing as he enjoyed chewing on all four sides. The covers worked great!!

That is, until this little white crib was recalled recently. We went out in search of a new crib and sadly, the rail cover did not fit the front of the crib correctly, it was a little too small. I thought maybe he just would give up on biting and we would be safe.

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After all, he was actually very excited about his new crib. Although I should have known…here he was having a taste with his tongue…

Then I got him up from his afternoon nap today and found this.

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Awesome. Our brand new convertible crib.

I quickly got to work sewing some of the old crib rail covers together to prevent further damage.

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I swear, only my son could wreck a crib in less than 24 hours.

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Since it seems that I don’t have much to talk about lately, I’ll start with the weather. It has been absolutely perfect weather around here lately, after having that heat wave the other week – completely perfect spring weather in the 60’s (despite the black flies of course) for New England. I love it. Everything is right on the cusp of blooming and getting ready to POP! The verge of something amazing. The trees, the flowers, the lilacs…my absolute favorite next to roses.

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I am so happy that our home has four gorgeous lilac bushes as well as an abundance of roses. I couldn’t be happier with those two things growing in our yard. I used to always cut lilacs off of my grandmother’s lilac bushes and bring them home, when we went to visit – they always remind me of her and her love and could drink in the scent of them for hours. I think lilacs are the theme in my life – at my grandmothers, they grew constantly on my college campus, and now at my home. They are just beautiful.

Apparently lilacs symbolize the first emotions of love…one reason why I wanted to get married in the Month of May (and no I did not rue the day), I wanted the lilacs to be around. Speaking of which, Mr. Magoo and I will soon be celebrating our third wedding anniversary…hardly a dent in our lifetime ahead of us, but in total we have been together for nine years – so much has happened for us and I look forward to the future together.

I still cannot get over the fact that we met each other in a bar. Sometimes I am embarrassed to say that, because I mean really, who meets at a bar and ends up becoming best friends, buying a home together, get married and have a child together – so strange, but so wonderful. If neither one of us had been in that same place that night – in the place that we bother were in our lives at that moment, we never would have met…we have been inseparable since that night and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

Life blooms in mysterious ways.

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